More realities of pregnancy

As I stated, my previous post was just the tip of the iceberg. Aside from the little bundle of joy at the end of all this, there are many other little gifts of nature that you can look forward to. Of course all women are different, so perhaps others will not experience all of these unpleasant things, but it seems that mother nature threw her entire bag of goodies at me.

Acne...
I have never in my life had more than 2 active zits at any given time. Not even during puberty. During pregnancy, and from very early on, I have been plagued with zits. Forehead, nose, chin, upper lip. The T-zone. At one point I had 11 active zits on my forehead. I got so desperate I bought Proactive, which has helped somewhat, but here's the catch... no pregnancy testing has been done with Proactive, and your doctor will tell you something vague like "if you think the benefits outweigh the risk, then use it". Well, sorry kid, but I will not be a pizza face for you!

Backne...
Hormone induced zits do not discriminate. They don't care that you can't reach your back to put zit cream on there. In fact, that's perhaps why they live there. They know you can't get them! My once beautiful smooth back now has a nice collection of back zits.

Hair growth...
With raging hormones comes a growth spurt in hair. The hair on your head will grow faster, and fall out less. Your hair will become thicker and fuller. This is a good thing for me because I have fine hair. However, it does not limit iteself to your head. Hair will grow where you never had hair before. Mustache, stomach, NIPPLES! WTF?

Pregnancy glow...
In my experience, this is a complete myth. Maybe I just don't see it because I'm too busy focusing on the zits and hair. Nobody has told me I'm glowing. Sure, I've got increased blood volume, which supposedly should cause me to have a rosey glow, but I'm just not seeing it. You're supposed to get better looking during pregnancy, because the increased blood volume plumps the skin and reduces wrinkles, etc. Of course, you're too busy staring in dismay at the cheese forming on your upper thighs to notice.

Cravings and aversions...
My cravings haven't been that strong. I fimd that I'm highly suggestible. When the restaurant or food advertisements come on around dinner time, I'm very driven by those images. Pregnancy literature and anecdotal evidence suggest that during pregnancy you gain an aversion to things that are bad for you, and crave the things that are good for you. If that's true, then why am I craving Tequila shots and I have an aversion to chicken? I also crave sushi, medium rare steak, and sweets.

Sleeping...
I have Restless Leg Syndrome. It's an hereditary condition that causes your legs to get a weird fidgety sensation that causes you to move to relieve it. Sometimes the movements are involunary. During pregnancy, this is amplified many times, and guess what? all of the drugs that relieve RLS are not safe for pregnant women! On top of that, during the second trimester, you should not sleep on your back because it cuts off circulation to your heart and to the placenta. You can't sleep on your stomach because it becomes uncomfortable, so you're left with left side or right side. I really believe that the problems you encounter sleeping while pregnant are preparing you for the sleepless nights and 4am feedings that you'll be a slave to when the kid is born.

I have to pee!...
We're told that the single most important thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to hydrate. Recommendations range from 64 to 80 ounces of water a day. Drinking water helps flush toxins from your body, and deliver much needed nutrients to the baby. In addition it helps stop stretch marks from forming (though if you're genetically predisposed to stretch marks, this won't do anything for you). What 80 ounces of water also does is make you pee every ten minutes, including in the night. I wake up in agony around 3am and 6am every morning because my bladder is full to the point of bursting. Again, I believe this is designed to prepare you for the frequent feedings when the baby is here.

Why am I here?...
The old wives tale that the baby sucks the intelligence right out of you is true. My ability to focus is severely deminished. I find myself being distracted very easily, and I can't count the number of times I've walked up the stairs with a purpose, got there and forgot why I went. It's not limited to the house, either. I went to the mall a couple of weeks ago with a purpose, got there, forgot why I was there, got pissed at myself and left. And of course, there's the hormonal outbursts. When emotion is high, intellegence and rationality are always low.

Clumsiness...
This one baffles me. I first noticed it while cooking. I have always considered myself to be a very competent knife handler, but recently I can't count on one hand the number of times I've almost chopped my finger off while preparing dinner. I drop things, knock things over, and trip over my own feet. I thought this would show iteself later in pregnancy when my center of gravity shifts due to the giant belly, but no, it happened even before I started showing. Coordination seems to be a little off.

Sense of smell...
It's a well documented fact that pregnant women have a sense of smell that would rival a hound. I was very surprised by how quickly this kicked in. We were on our honeymoon in Bali when mine did. I could smell someone smoking from the other side of the hotel! Of course, Brian and I didn't put two and two together until we got home and took the test and found out we were pregnant. Then the lightbulb came on! A delightful side effect of this symptom is that when your husband farts, you are the first to smell it, and it lasts twice as long, and it's ten times as bad as it usually is. Lovely!

Everyone who's ever been pregnant has advice for you...
This one is particularly annoying to me. I appreciate that these people are offering their 2 cents with the best intentions. They'll tell you how their whole pregnancy went, and how they felt, and how you should be feeling. They'll draw comparisons and sympathize with you. Why I find this annoying is beyond me. I know I should be grateful that these women are sharing their experiences with me, and are trying to impart their wisdom on me to help me feel better, and to let me know that I'm not alone, but I just find myself thinking "Lady, are you in here? No! so how can you possibly know what's going on in here?". I'm going to blame my intolerance of this on hormones.

Gas...
Everyone who knows me knows that my gas is legendary. And during pregnancy most women are afflicted with an excess of gas. I remember one of my very modest friends who never farted, leaning over to grab a gift at her baby shower, and let out a loud fart. I laughed my ass off... My gas seems to have subsided. At least from the rear end. Now I'm afflicted with man-burps. After every meal I can let out the loudest most manly belch you've ever heard. If you heard it, you'd look around for a 300lb man.

It's ok... she's pregnant...
One benefit of pregnancy is that you can get away with almost anything. If I belch out loud in the office, my office mate excuses me with "it's ok, you're pregnant". If I burst into tears for no reason, it's ok! I'm pregnant. If I get irate over seemingly insignificant things, it's OK! I'm pregnant! If I am at dinner with friends, I can say "Hey... are you gonna eat that?" and reach over to get it because it's OK! I'm pregnant! Finally, one benefit of being pregnant that I can get behind!

The reality of pregnancy (long)

Ok, since I've been in the closet for so long, I've been unable to share the joys and woes of pregnancy, but today marks day 1 of Amanda Tells All. If you find this TMI (Too much information) then don't read it.

The first 3 months were hell. Anybody who tells you that they loved being pregnant is just a sicko. In my experience, pregnancy is unpleasant. Here's what I've experienced so far.


Morning Sickness...
Why they call it "morning sickness" is beyond me. I was nauseous morning, noon, and night! Not the kind of nauseous that produces vomit, either, just the kind that makes you feel shitty. The ONLY time I didn't feel nauseous was when I was eating or sleeping.

Constipation...
Let's talk about poop for a moment. Or lack thereof. I was so constipated one night that I woke up with the most godawful cramps imaginable and thought I was going to die. I spent an hour on the toilet trying to push out a very dense and compancted poo that felt like I was passing an acme brick. Poor Brian had to run out in the night to get me something to make me feel better, but of course, nothing did. Since that incident I've been eating lots of fruit, taking my DanActive every day, and an Activia yogurt for regularity. It's helped, but not as much as I'd hoped.

Porn star nipples...
I don't even recognize my own boobs. They are HUGE and hurt like hell, and my girlish pink nipples have been replaced by these hot pink giant ones! WTF??? I read that the colour never goes back to the way it was before, though the size will go back to normal.

Being inhabited...
The feeling that your body is not your own anymore is quite common, I hear. The little parasite is taking everything you have. You're tired and lethargic all the time in the first trimester, at least I was. I found myself passing out at 7:30 in the evening in front of the TV. My sweet husband just quietly went about his business while I crashed on the couch. The cats must have sensed my tiny passenger because they became very clingy and always wanted to lay on my tummy. As pregnancy progresses, the feeling of being inhabited doesn't get any better. You eventually come to the realization that even when the little critter is out, he's gonna be sucking on you for many months afterwards. Your body will not be your own for a long, long time.

Dr. Visits...
I really think that the seemingly endless appointments with various doctors is just a way to smack the modesty out of you. Yea sure, I'm guilty of mooning large crowds and you might be thinking "Amanda? modest?" but let me assure you that I don't like people nosing around in my business down there and I'm mortified at the mere thought of the annual visit to the gyno. During pregnancy, you get violated many times with vrious instruments to check on the baby. Get used to it. By the time the baby's born you'll be ready to invite the whole world to come watch and video tape as you pop out a bloody, screaming, purple, cone headed, tiny Winston Churchill look-alike from your va-jay-jay.

Genetic testing...
This is an unpleasant but necessary evil when you are considered to be a "high risk" pregnancy. Brian and I opted for the CVS, which is done at 11 weeks. It detects Downs Syndrom and other genetic defects, such as Fragile-x, etc. The procedure requires a full bladder for the ultrasound, and a very large needle inserted right through your stomach into the placenta. I had to pee so bad that the doctor felt sorry for me and let me go to the bathroom, but only to release a little. Imagine having to pee so bad you could just pee on yourself, and then having to quit mid-stream. Not an easy task! During this ultrasound, the kid looked like Charlie Brown - a giant head and little body. When I saw the size of the head in relation to the body, I panicked! "Jeezus! it's got a giant head". The doctor assured me that it was disporportionate at this point and I had nothing to worry about. About 10 days after the giant needle takes a sample, you get results. Fortunately ours was negative, which is good, but we found out it's a boy, which is the exact opposite of what I wanted. Brian's over the moon, though.


Baby got back...
During pregnancy, you release a hormone that causes you to retain fat. This fat does not discriminate. It doesn't care that you're hoping for no bodily changes other than the cute pregnancy bump. No. This fat attaches itself to your ass, thighs and love handles. Your regular jeans may still fit, but you look like someone shoehorned your ass into them. Trust me, just go out and buy fat jeans early on to save yourself the crying in front of the mirror episodes every time you attempt to dress.

Showing...
When you first start to show, your friends will want to pet your belly and tell you it's cute. You, on the other hand might feel violated that everyone is touching you in a place they never touched you before, and you'll try to wear your normal clothes and will find that you just don't look good in them. It's not really that you don't look good, it's just that you don't look like you're used to, but this won't matter. You're gonna feel like a whale, and you're going to cry about it, so just go out and buy bigger clothes as soon as this happens and save yourself some heart ache. Not a whole wardrobe, just a few pieces to get you through the awkward phase before you need maternity clothes.

Mood swings...
I'm normally a very stable person. I'm not prone to mood swings and I don't get PMS, at least not the kind that can be percieved by others. I had my first hormonal outburst a week or so ago over cheese. Yes, cheese. I cried, stormed out of the house, went shopping for fat clothes, and when I got home had one more cry about elephants, then I was fine. Cheese and elephants. Two things I'm usually indifferent about, although I do like cheese a lot.

Registering...
This is quite possibly the worst experience of all. Brian and I headed to Babies R Us and picked up "the gun". About 45 minutes in and we had only one item on our registry. It was frustrating, overwhelming, and it completely freaked me out to the point that I've been having anxiety attacks ever since. We got about 1/3 of the way down the massive checklist of things we'd need, and my stomach was in knots. We had to leave. I have't been back since, and since then, we've added things from the Web with recommendations from friends. If I never have to go back to that place I will be happy.

Coming out of the closet...
There's always those trusted friends and close family that you tell before you get results back. We opted only to tell those who we trusted, and would feel comfortable around if we had to abort due to genetic defects, or if there was a miscarriage. We swore those friends to secrecy. Others guessed. Some were totally clueless. Kitty, for example, guessed when she observed me drinking Shirly Temples at happy hour. Jay, on the other hand, saw my Shirley Temples, saw me down three of them, assumed they were Cosmopolitans, and teased me about being a lush. Hehehe.

Things I want but can't have...
Tequila. God I want tequila so bad. I want a shot, not a margarita. I want a shot of tequila with salt and lime, and by god, somebody better deliver that to me as soon as the peanut is out!
Sushi. I miss my spicy susan and spicy tuna hand roll. Sure I can have the cooked sushi, and it does pacify me a little, but I really want regular sushi.
Medum rare steak. Apparently you can get parasites from under cooked meat. Parasites normally wouldn't bother an adult, but during pregnancy you're 10 times more likely to get sick, and it could harm the baby. I hate my steaks done medium or above, so since the only way I can eat them is well done, there's no point.
Blue cheese. Who knew that blue cheese was off limits? I love blue cheese.
Ceasar salad. This was a surprise to me. I'm still not sure why I can't have ceasar salad, but it's on the list of things I can't have.
Deli meat. Apparently, deli meat, like the kind you get at subway or any sandwich shop, is off limits because it harbours harmful bacteria that ordinarily wouldn't bother you, but again, being pregnant makes you 10 times more likely to get sick.
Salad bars and buffets. Again. Bacteria.

I've completely disregarded the salad bar rule because I crave salads. I think the benefits of me eating salad outweighs the risks. So don't give me any lectures.

Body image...
This is an important and seldom mentioned reality of being pregnant. Your body image will make you feel like a whale. You don't look like one. you look like a cute pregnant lady on the verge of showing. If you let your body image rule you, you'll eventually start to resent the tiny passenger in your belly. I'm speaking from experience here. I'm pissed off that I'm gonna get fat, and I'm blaming the kid. Do something about this before it goes too far. Which leads me to my next point.

Exercise...
I'm a runner. Except that since becoming pregnant it's been damn near impossible to run. I have ran several times. My boobs hurt so bad that it's almost unbearable. And as you start to gain a few pounds, you also notice it's harder to run. Not only that, but your joints beging to loosen because of pregnancy hormones, which makes you less stable. Being pregnant does not mean you need to, or should give up working out. Quite the contrary. You're not disabled. You're not sick. You need to stay in shape using alternate methods, otherwise you'll increase your risk of a c-section, prolong your labour, and lose your stamina so you will have a harder time during pregnancy, deliver, and recovery. So get off your fat pregnant ass and work out. I've hired a personal trainer. It's important to me that I get back to normal as soon as possible post partum, and there's no better time to get started than right now.

Time for daddy to "Man up!"...
This one is specifically for Brian. And he's been doing a stellar job of manning up to the task. Don't expect your man to just know what he's supposed to do. You need to tell him. No hints, either. Just flat out have the discussion. I needed Brian to show me that he's going to improve in certain areas to help ease my mind that I won't be burdened with two kids when the baby arrives. Picking up after himself, being more proactive about the cat box, dishes, house maintenance, trash, and laundry are all things that help put my mind at ease and show me that I have a partner in all this, and won't be the one doing all the work. I told him, and he's doing it. End of story. You're dealing with enough during pregnancy, the last thing you need is to be nagging your man, too.

That was a lot of info, and I've only shown you the tip of the iceberg here. But I hope that this piece of honest information will help prepare others for the things that most people don't tell you about being pregnant. And if nothing else, it helped me organize my thoughts and feelings as I wrote it.