All you germs out there better listen up!

Dear Cooties,

I don't understand why you insist on seeking me out when I've expressly asked you to leave me alone. I have no interest in your minuscule little lives and furthermore I go out of my way to avoid contact with you. Yet you persist.

I find this behaviour to be sycophantic and pathetic. Just because my family and I frequent the places you like to hang out, like daycare, restaurants, and even the office, does not mean I'm issuing an open invitation for you to latch onto me and take me down. I have not invited you into my home, yet you insist on invading it anyway. Where are your manners?

So here it ends, Cooties. I am armed with a variety of chemicals to take your asses out! I will not quit until I rid you from every hard surface I come into contact with. Moreover, I am taking pro-biotics so if you do make it into my person, you will be overrun by my badass immune system, and if that fails me, then you will be subjected to medications beyond your wildest nightmares. This is war, you little bastards. You hear me??