Confessions of a neurotic mother

Since becoming a mother, my mind is doing this awful thing to me. It goes to the darkest of places in the blink of an eye. Seemingly normal every day scenarios I find myself in cause my mind to drift to possible things that could happen, and then manifest into bad things happening, which then manifest into what I would do in that situation to protect Trent, and then my stomach gets in knots and I either feel physically sick or I actually feel a little angry. I think I've become a worrier!!! I never used to be.

Yesterday my train of thought went like this:

My ring sure is sparkly... Hmmm, maybe I should put it in the safe deposit box during our trip in case I lose it.... but what if something happens? nobody will be able to get it from the safe... what would happen to it if I die? who would get it? not some crooked rescue worker ripping it off my cold dead finger... I'd want Trent to have it... what if the plane crashes? ...OMG! Trent's so young and has so much life to live! (visual of plane crashing and me trying to protect him) what could I do to help him get out of it alive? (nausea). STOP IT! You're being crazy!

See what I mean? that's just one very mild example. Obviously I have some anxiety issues. Specifically around Trent's wellbeing. I wonder if every parent feels like this or if I'm unusually neurotic. I struggle every day to keep a balance and not be over protective. Every morning when Trent gets in the car, in the very back of my mind there's a tiny fleeting thought that wonders if that's the last time I'll see him. How horrible is that?? And I kiss him and tell him how much I love him many, many times before he can get into the car. Every time I buckle him in, I make sure the top buckle is as far up as possible so he wouldn't get ejected from his car seat in the event of a crash. And every morning I check to see if Brian's logged in so my mind can rest easy that they're both ok.

Jeez. I need some Valium or something.

A low maintenance day

Today was a very good day. While it started off earlier than we'd have liked, Brian and I have been pleasantly surprised by how cool and relaxed Trent has been today. We started off with a delicious breakfast of home made strawberry and banana pancakes, then spent the morning just hanging out, playing, and watching sign language DVDs. Brian made lunch for us all, which was a rare treat. He made traditional American grilled cheese sandwiches, which Trent devoured, then in a rare moment of cooperation, he (Trent, not Brian) took a nap without any fuss whatsoever! Woa! who are you and what have you done with my kid??

After an hour long nap, he woke up refreshed and in a great mood and he ate a quick snack, then we headed off to Emma Long park where we attended a wedding reception for two friends who Brian went to high school with. Obviously, a non-traditional wedding reception, but I have to say, these are the best kind. Informal, fun, no fuss, no foof. The bride and groom were relaxed and happy, the food, home made burgers, flipped by the groom himself on the grill, was delicious, and we all had fun floating in Lake Austin. Trent was so chilled out the whole time. Just so content to be around the crowd, drinking water from his sippy and sharing food with mummy and daddy, and dazzling everyone around him with his mad sign language skills. He enjoyed floating in the lake with everyone and giggled as I spun him around in his baby float. He seemed to enjoy the waves caused by all the boats going by. Several people brought their dogs to the reception and Trent had a great time petting them all. He just loves dogs. I think most likely because they don't run away from him like the cats do. No, we do not have any plans to get a dog. After another dip in the lake, the bride and groom served up four delicious cakes, two of which I shared with Trent. We left the park around 8pm, just about time for Trent to go to bed. And on the way home, our good little boy passed right out in his car seat, and didn't even wake up when I took him out of the car and up the stairs to bed.

Awh. Days like this are so rewarding. Brian and I both commented on how much easier than usual our day had gone, largely because Trent was so accommodating. You can't take days like this for granted.

Brian's gone over to a friend's house for some Rock Band now, which gives me some much appreciated alone time. I plan to do a little research and watch some mindless TV before passing out.

Is that a carrot in your spagetti or are you just happy to see me?

So thanks to my brother in law's wonderful girlfriend, I have this book called Deceptively Delicious. It was a birthday present. It's a cook book. You probably don't know this about me, but I can't follow a recipe even if my life depended on it. But I have found this book to be very useful. It gives me ideas for things to make, and teaches me how to "smuggle" vegetables into dishes without being detected. So I don't follow the recipes exactly, I always put my own twist on it, but the basic principal is really good, and it inspires me to concoct my own creations. The gist of it is this... you buy a bunch of fresh veggies, steam them, and then shove them in the food processor (individually, not all mixed together) to make purees. You can then freeze these in 1 or 1/2 cup quantities (depending on your needs) and use them in recipes. Here are some of the things I've smuggled veggies into of late:

Garlic and blue cheese mashed potatoes (with cauliflower)
Spaghetti and turkey meat balls (with carrots)
Penne pasta with Italian sausage and feta (with zuchini and squash) - my own concoction

The first two, Brian could not detect the veggies. In the third one he said "something is off". But he ate it, so mission accomplished.

The reason for this culinary trickery is threefold:
Firstly, I want Trent to eat vegetables, and a lot of times he does, but I want them in every meal, and sometimes if I serve him veggies he will push them aside in favour of the carbs and meat on his plate.
Secondly I like veggies, and I want more of them in my diet, and I don't like fruit much, so I am trying to compensate for that by adding more vegies.
And thirdly, and perhaps the most controversial reason, is that Brian doesn't get enough servings of fruit or veggies in a typical day because he chooses to eat crap. And I can get him to eat maybe a tablespoon of overt vegetables in a sitting, but that simply isn't good enough.

This strategy is not without it's down side, though. The book should come with a warning sticker that says "Warning: May cause husband to behave like you're trying to kill him if he discovers your evil plan to make him healthier".

Save the drama for your mama, babe. I'm trying to do a nice thing for you here, even if you don't see it that way.

Baby babble, or words?

Trent's been 'talking' a lot lately. At school recently, they reported that he said "bubble". He was chasing bubbles at the time. He's also saying "banana", although it sounds like "na-naanaa" when he says it. At first I was skeptical and passed it off as him just making sounds... he's said "na na na" before. But when I say "banana" his face lights up and he heads for his high chair, because banana is his favourite food, and now he consistently repeats it.

He's using sign language very consistently now. He signs "milk" all the time, even when he's getting water. Which is fine. He's signing "eat" when we ask him if he's hungry, and he's signing either "more" or "please" when he wants more of something. He's signing "thank you" a lot more lately, which still looks like him blowing a kiss and is accompanied by the "Bwaaah!" sound. When we play his sign language DVD, he's rooted to the spot and he tries to copy what the kids on the telly are doing. Sooo cute.

Yesterday, he walked all the way to the car by himself (well, I was there, but not helping him) and this morning he walked all the way from the car to his classroom. I find that I can get him to do anything as long as he can hold the car keys.

Trent likes to sing, or rather, he likes it when you sing to him. He likes "if you're happy and you know it", and he claps his hands in excitement when you do it. And he likes Itsy Bitsy Spider (or Incy Wincy Spider for us Brits), and tries to do the finger movements along with you.

And on last blogworthy thing. He's now sitting in my lap for short periods of time when I read him a story. He's not necessarily still, but it's progress.

Ok... one more thing.... When I picked him up from daycare yesterday, his teacher told me he was really smart.

Awh.... me = proud mum.

adventures in slow motion

This weekend I experienced what I can only describe as moving in slow motion. More likely what happened is I moved so fast that the world around me appeared to slow down.

Why?

Imagine, if you can, a 13 month old kid who has just learned to walk and is very excited about exploring his new found skill. Now combine that with a careless oversight on my part. I took Trent into his room to pick out some clothes for the day, and in about 3 seconds flat after I took my eyes off him, he was standing near the top of the stairs. Realizing it was way to quiet for him to be right near me (which he usually is), I immediately ran across the landing. This is when time slowed down...

I dropped whatever was in my hand, uttered the words "No! NO! NOOO! BRIANNNN!" and as my heart rate reached maximum BPM, I saw in slow motion Trent take a step forward... then slowly he made a full head over heels rotation in the air, hit his nose on a step, bounced, and was caught by Brian who was luckily coming up the stairs with a stack of nappies. Meanwhile my feet left the ground and damn near never touched until I was at the top step, staring down in disbelief at Brian's mad ninja skills. He'd managed to catch Trent before he hit the bottom of the first landing (and the wall, most likely) and not drop the stack of nappies.

Trent howled for a few seconds, then went about his business as though nothing had happened. Me... well it took a little longer for me to recover. Time travel is rough on your mental state.

The moral of this story... always, always, always close the damn baby gate. Because once they start walking, they're fast as all hell and try as you might to break the laws of physics, time and gravity are constant.

Mama Mia!

I have a few minutes while my plug-in builds, so I wanted to write a brief blurb regarding the movie Mama Mia. Having not seen it on Broadway, which I would have loved, I have to say I was very entertained by the movie. Though Merryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan won't be winning any Grammies for their singing abilities, they actually did a fairly decent job. I was expecting the movie to be way cheesier than it was. It was a total girl movie, though. I can't imagine for a second that any guy would appreciate it. But for a girl it's got some very key things that we like:

ABBA
Pierce Brosnan
The beautiful backdrop of a Greek island
Very cute boys
Pierce Brosnan half naked
Very fun older women who we hope to be like some day
Colin Firth
Pierce Brosnan in a wet white shirt
Romance
Did I mention that Pierce Brosnan was in it?
A happy ending
And last but not least, Pierce Brosnan

The closing sequence was pretty funny and the men show up in ridiculous costumes worthy of the next halloween. Certainly not what you'd expect James Bond to wear, but I guess even Bond has to go under cover from time to time ;-)

Thanks to Jen for going with me. Brian thanks you too, because now we don't have to rent it on Netflix.

Nice sweater, dude!

Ok... remember how I was feeling a little hairy? and my husband, who normally wouldn't notice something about me even if I shaved my head and tattood a pair of eyes on the back of it, noticed my mustache? well... today I randomly clicked a link from my blog. I had seen this link before. I had never clicked it, but today for some reason I did. It was the "Next Blog" link at the top of the page... and here's what I got! (brace yourself, it ain't pretty):

AGH! MY EYES!!!

Oh the things you see on the internet!

TMI

*disclaimer: For those of you who don't speak "text", TMI = Too Much Information. Fair warning that this blog covers topics some people don't care to know about.

Two things on my mind today:
Sasquatch, sometimes referred to as Big Foot...
That's what I've been feeling like lately. I'm in an awkward phase with regard to hair. I have less than a month till my holiday, and I plan to remove unwanted hair via waxing a few days before we leave. Waxing requires that hair is of a certain length to be effective. Which is right about where I am now. However, if I wax now, it's going to be too short to wax again before my trip. So I'm kind of hairy and scary right now. I'm only talking about legs, eyebrows and mustache, so get your mind out of the gutter. I am not Brazilian. I mentioned this dilemma to Brian yesterday and he actually told me he had noticed my mustache! LOL! lovely. I'm also in an awkward phase with the hair on my head. It's come to my attention recently that I have more than a few gray hairs. Enough to warrant actually colouring it, not for fun anymore, but to actually camouflage. I want it to be freshly done before I go on holiday, however, it's currently at the point where I look like I need to wear a broom skirt and shop bra-less at Whole Foods. You know what I'm talking about if you live in Austin and have ever gone to Whole Foods.
Those who know me must know that I'm exercising some amazing self restraint by not immediately remedying these issues. And if any of you point out my gray hairs or mustache I'll kick your arse!

Junk in the tub!
Trent's gonna kill me some day for posting about this, but it was too funny to pass up. He located his junk while bathing the other day. He was highly amused by it for a good few minutes. Brian and I just let him get on with it and tried to contain our cracking up. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

New furniture

This past weekend we went to Ikea and picked up some cool new furniture... itty bitty furniture for our itty bitty human. We've been wondering what to do with our game room upstairs. It's basically just got a sectional in it. But we spend time up there playing with Trent and his toys have naturally gravitated to that space. SO what better use for it than an official children's play room?

We picked up a rug, a round kid's table, chair, and stool, a cool kid safe mirror, and some storage bins for toys. The room still needs some help to pull it all together, but Brian was such a good sport to go along with the current set of purchases, that I didn't want to push my luck ;-)

We use the rug as a focal point to sit and read. Trent's starting to sit on my lap as I read fairy tales to him. Last night he was just so cute and cuddly I had a hard time putting him to bed because I wanted to spend time with him while he was sleepy and chilled out. Last night's story was "The Frog Prince".

In milestones, Trent is officially on regular food now. We no longer use the processor to mush stuff up for him, I just now make everything bite sized for him and he eats it with his hands. He hasn't mastered the spoon yet. He holds it while he eats, but still grabs hand fulls of what ever's in his bowl and wrestles it into his mouth. Tonight was Lasagna. Oh my! what a mess. He's walking all over the place now, too, and is figuring out how to get down the stairs. He's also using signs a lot now. Over the weekend we had thought that Trent was tired because he was acting a little fussy, and he actually told us what it was with a sign... He was hungry! Hooray for sign language! It's funny to me how the smallest things he does are huge deals to me and Brian.

Tonight was bath night followed by Cinderella. He sat on my lap and listened as I read, then with eyes rolling, he obligingly went night-night. Once again I had a hard time tearing myself away from him because he was just sooooo cute. I sure do love the little snot face.

Clarification about previous post

Brian asked me last night if I was implying anything by my reference to frogs in my previous post. The answer is yes. I was implying something regarding past experiences. But most definitely not that Brian has turned into a frog. No, he's still my awesome prince, knight in shining armour, and very much my hero. So I just wanted to make that perfectly clear.

Fairy tales

Last night I didn't have a nightmare (that I can remember), but I did wake myself up laughing some time in the early morning. I can't remember what I was dreaming, but I do recall hearing laughing in my dream, then becoming aware of someone laughing in the room. It was kind of a "mutly" laugh. And then I woke up and realized that the laugh was coming from me. Which made me laugh some more. Brian never woke up.

In sleep related news (kind of), Brian and I picked up some cool books for Trent at Half Price Books. What a great place that is. We spent $10 and came home with 6 books. Unfortunately, two of the books stunk of cigarettes. That made us pity the poor kid who had to grow up in the house where those books came from. I'll try to Febreeze them to get the stench out, and maybe put them outside for a while. Anyway, the point is, that we picked up this really cool book of "bedtime" stories for Trent. All the old fairy tales were in it, like Cindarella, Goldilocks, Little Red Riding Hood, the Frog Prince, etc. We've (me) been reading them to Trent in the evenings. We had to laugh at Little Red Riding Hood, when the wolf ate her grandmother, then the woodmen came in and killed the wolf, then cut him open and the grandmother came out and was totally fine. I hadn't realized how gory these stories we grew up with are. Lots of death and tragedy. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean, these are the stories we grew up with, and we turned out ok. Are these fairy tales teaching our kids about death at an early age so they can handle it/expect it/process it? or is it just too soon to introduce that concept? I dunno.

I've purposefully been skipping the Hansel and Gretel story because if I recall the story correctly, their parents abandon them in the forest. What kind of message is that??? "gee Trent, you're eating a lot these days and we simply can't afford to feed you AND ourselves, so we're going to take you to the forest and leave you to fend for yourself. Maybe a pack of wolves will adopt and raise you" (which is what I suspect happened to my sisters based on how they behave ;-)).

And what about Puss in Boots? what a con man he is! He tricks a giant into changing into a mouse, eats him, then steals his castle! you can't trust cats. No matter how cute they are. Just yesterday Onyx tried to steal my sandwich while I wasn't looking.

Last night we read the Three Billy Goats Gruff. What a bunch of bad siblings those are. The small and medium size billy goats each sell their brother down the river to the troll, so they obviously can't be trusted, then the big goat drowns the troll who was simply trying to play the cards he was dealt by charging a toll to use his troll bridge. What else is a troll to do? it's not like he can just go and get a job. Besides, he lives under a bridge. You can't get a job unless you have a legitimate address. At least he wasn't just standing on the side of the highway with a sign "will scare small children for food".

One thing you can learn from fairy tales, though, that is a good life lesson... you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. Of course, you shouldn't take that too literally. What the fairy tales don't tell you, though, is that the frog theory works in reverse, too! What a shocker that is when it happens. You get this great guy, he's all perfect, then one day WHAM! frog.

Nightmares

I've had some really awful dreams lately. Last nights was by far the worst. I woke up so sad. First it involved Nikki, my sweet little kitty passing away, and Brian was trying to console me as I clung to her little urn, and I swear I could still hear her purring inside it! Then my nightmare turned it's focus to Trent. It was unimaginable, the grief felt so real. I woke up and immediately went to look at him. Of course, he was sleeping peacefully in his crib, looking all gorgeous and angelic.

WTF is going on in my head that is manifesting itself into dreams like this??? It's just torture.

viva espania!

As y'all know, we're traveling for the first time with Trent in September. I'm so excited about our trip and it's always occupying my thoughts these days. Thoughts about what to buy, what to pack, what to set up at home, what we need for Trent, what it's going to be like at our destinations. In Switzerland, walking through the quaint town with the beautiful vistas and views around us, trying to understand the language, eating SWISS CHOCOLATE in SWITZERLAND! Seeing Ben and Nadia get married, traveling on the train. And in Spain, visions of hanging out on the beach building sand castles with Trent and his Nana and Grandad, walking along the promenade, eating dinners with my parents, egging my dad on to indulge in desserts with sparklers in them with me (not that he'll need much egging, mind you). Just spending time with my most cherished people on the planet. Oh how I can't wait to go!
I usually don't get hung up in details. I'm usually a go with the flow, kinda laid back, person. This trip is different only because it involves a major unknown. Trent. So I am finding myself hung up on the details because I want this trip to be a success. And I measure success in the following terms:

1. We make it onto all of our flights


2. Our flights arrive safely in our destinations


3. Trent is cool and easy going throughout the journey


4. My nerves aren't frayed when we get there


5. We have FUN!

Without the "Trent factor", these things would all be of little concern, or even taken for granted. Item 1 in the list is easily achieved by arriving on time, and, well, for item 2, we don't have much influence over what the pilot does. With the "Trent factor" other success factors being met depends on a bit of planning and forethought. Take item 3 in the list above, for example. It's a simple goal, right? but dissect that into what's needed to achieve it and you have quite a list of things to do. For example:

• Trent won't sit on anyone's lap for more than 2 minutes. Given that...
  • we are trying to "train" him to sit on our laps for brief periods at a time. Not going so well.
  
  
  • order an infant bassinet, which the airline provides. It straps to the bulkhead. This hinges on the hope that Trent will sleep the whole time. Which is unlikely, plus it's awkward at meal times. It also hinges on the hope that the bulkhead seating is available for us.
  
  
  • back up in case above fails: hope for empty seat on the flight and find a way to get him to sit still in it. How?
    • ok, so we know that Trent is calm most of the time when he's in his car seat. So we need to create a similar environment for him on the plane. But we don't want to take his car seat. So enter CARES. Child Aviation Restraint System. I'm hoping that the harness will make Trent feel like he's in his car seat, and will cut down on temper tantrums. This all hinges on having the seat next to us available, though. The good thing about this is that it's small enough to fit in your purse, so no big deal to carry it on board even if you can't use it. It is, however, not cheap. I found a woman in Florida who will rent me hers for $20, though. What a great idea.
  
  
• Bring things to entertain the kid. Such as books, toys, and his favourite DVD, along with a portable DVD player. Now we're getting tricky because only the first 10 rows of coach has power outlets that don't need an adapter. So now I need to find out if we can reserve one of those rows so we can plug it in. Otherwise we have only 2.5 hours of power and a 9 hour flight. You do the math.

Now take item 4 - Keeping my nerves in tact. What could we do to encourage that to happen? well, maybe a tranquilizer dart for Trent, but that seems to be socially unacceptable. Some duct tape on his mouth might do the trick, but again, society has their opinions of what good parenting is... and that falls outside of acceptable parameters. So we can pack some Benadryl. I have tested this medication out for legitimate reasons on Trent, and he did well. So in a pinch, I think it will work. Then there's always wine (for me, not Trent - he has to wait until he's at least 2 and can handle his liquor (like his cousin Louise)). What about Brian's nerves? just give him a coke and some pizza and he's fine!
And finally, item 5, have fun. This one is probably the easiest one to achieve. Once we're in our destinations, this one should take care of itself.

So that's what's going through my head today. It might appear like worry to the untrained eye, but it's really not. It's just a proactive approach at managing circumstances that might cause me to have a stressful journey. That's all. And honestly, even to focus on the little details of this trip is kind of fun, because it keeps me anticipating and thinking about the end result, which is me spending time with my all the loves of my life - Brian, Trent, mum & dad, all at the same time, and in a fabulous place in the sun.